To Be or Not To Be in a Relationship
By Dr. Dina Evan
Are relationships worth all the trouble?
Absolutely! They're the greatest teachers on the planet. Where else can you learn to break open your heart, see what your
capacity to love is, test your need for control or sameness & learn cooperative balance?
That balance is necessary in order for a relationship to thrive.
A tip toward boundary-less or controlling boundaries can screw up everything. This imbalance normally results in contempt,
which can kill a relationship all together.
In a boundary-less relationship one person feels one-down & is
often love-addicted. That person is normally walled off & unable or unwilling to express his or her needs & feelings.
Boundary-less people feel as if, in some sense, they're prey to their
partner & their partner’s needs. The boundary-less partners put up protective walls. They're not connected. They
sit in silent rage. Their silence can be interpreted as not caring or as consent to bad behaviors on their partner’s
part.
For instance, one person wants to be monogamous. The other doesn't.
The person who wants to be monogamous gives in & allows the affairs or promiscuous behavior from their partner while suffering
in silence.
Eventually, the boundary-less person will leave, because, in truth,
this person has left himself & his own morals & needs. Ultimately this will become so uncomfortable that there's no
choice but to leave.
When one partner has controlling boundaries he might feel one-up
& is often love avoidant. This kind of person uses blaming, shaming, interrogation, intimidation & threats to control
other people.
Controlling partners seldom take personal responsibility & are
often unable to control their emotions or behaviors. They're slaves to stimulus. They feel connected but not protected. You
often see this kind of person in a patriarchal, or domineering kind of relationship where he or she has the last word on everything.
This kind of relationship is now passé & the new paradigm is
one of greater co-operation & unity. New relationships are horizontal, equal & balanced instead on vertical &
controlling with a misuse of power.
When relationships are imbalanced individuals begin to feel contempt.
Contempt turned outward results in grandiosity, verbal abuse, physical abuse, a sense of entitlement & lots of judgment.
There's little motivation on the part of this kind of person to change.
Contempt turn inward results in shame, feelings of self-loathing, depression & helplessness.
In a balanced relationship, each individual is working on him or
herself & has a healthy sense of self-love. Healthy people are able to set boundaries, ask for what they need & honor
themselves & the relationship with good boundaries.
Those same good boundaries make is possible to feel more deeply connected
because we can trust ourselves to take care of ourselves. It’s a little like going out into the ocean of love in a strong
boat that allows you to enjoy the journey because you know you have good boundaries & are safe or deciding not to go because
you don’t have a safe boat or boundaries & are afraid you'll not take good care of yourself.
In order to create a balanced relationship there are some necessary
shifts that need to take place according to Terrance Real, who wrote, “ The New Rules for Marriage.” or relationships
or all kinds I might add. I have added a couple also.
We need to move:
• From complaint to request
• From negative past to positive future
• From co-addict or victim/enabler to helping your partner
be
successful by you being a truth teller.
• From “You are bad,” to “How can I help
you succeed?”
• Get out of ambiguity, either get in the relationship or get
out because there is not such thing as a partial commitment. You can’t succeed with ambiguity.
Relationships
are the most fulfilling & wonderful gift on the planet, if you're willing to be fully in them & do the work of
your soul.
