 
Prologue to Tools for Communication
All forms of life
upon the planet Earth were granted one great & wondrous gift: the gift of communication.
Instead of being forced to exist in solitude, this gift allows interaction, a sharing of feelings.
Humans are especially fortunate
because they've developed many ways to use their gift. These include music, dance, art, theater, literature, gestures, the
written word & word of mouth. The creation of different ways to communicate doesn't
mean we can sit back & take our gift for granted.
When we were infants,
all we needed to do was cry & our desire for food, a clean diaper, or love & nurturing companionship was met. Now that we're older, however, we can no longer count on others to interpret our cries.
We must use our gift of communication effectively thru clarification, patience, understanding, sympathy, intelligence, compassion & tact; we must exercise self-control so others can use the gift of communication by careful, effective listening.
By sharing this gift of communication mankind is exalted.
What is the Tools for Coping Series?
In February 1985 I was at a program
presented by Sharon Wegscheider–Cruse on Adult Children of Alcoholics. She was showing a film entitled "Another Chance"
about a woman in a therapy program dealing with emotional issues concerning her family of origin long locked inside of herself.
I was so emotionally overwhelmed by this conference that I immediately enrolled in Sharon's "Family Restoration Workshop," a week long therapy program for therapists who had family of origin issues.
This program, held in the Philadelphia
area, sponsored by the Caron Foundation, helped me to come to grips with the concept that:
Our parents did the best they could knowing
what they did at the time. We, as adults, must now take responsibility for our own lives and learn what "normal" is so that we can have healthier, more productive lives.
On returning to Tampa I
initiated a weekly 12 step support group for my clients who were adults from dysfunctional families. In this program called the SEA's Program we used psychodrama, Gestalt & role playing, to cover relevant issues from
my clients' lives. I wrote a weekly handout for each group, so that my clients had something for homework & ongoing personal
growth.
Over 150 handouts became the 9 volume Tools for Coping Series.
Book One, The Self–Esteem Seekers Anonymous Manual -The SEA's Program is a
comprehensive workbook on Self-Esteem, the recovery program from low self–esteem, the recovery lifestyle & the 12 steps of the program.
Book Two, Laying the Foundation,
covers the 9 behavioral patterns I identify in people with low self–esteem & dysfunctional families. Book Three, Tools for Handling Loss, covers strategies for coping with the losses experienced in life.
Book Four, Tools for Personal
Growth, covers issues affecting self–esteem & self-worth with strategies for improved self–health. Book Five, Tools for Relationships,
covers issues that are barriers to healthy relationships with suggestions to remediate the problems.
Book Six, Tools for Communications,
covers the strategies for effective communication. Book Seven, Tools for Anger Work–Out, covers strategies to overcome the stranglehold
anger can have on our lives.
Book Eight,
Tools for Handling Control Issues, covers strategies for letting go of the need to control other people, places & things in our lives.
Book Nine, Growing Down,
covers strategies for healing the inner child.
A Model of Effective Communication
Major Communication Principle
Effective communication can result if individuals follow a simple principle. This effective communication principle is: FOCUS ON FEELINGS RATHER THAN ON CONTENT
An effective
communicator should be able to avoid getting caught up in the CONTENT of another's message & get to the FEELINGS behind the message.
What is
CONTENT is the "thing'' behind
the message.
Content is the "what'' of
a message. It's the issue or subject of a message. It's frequently value laden.
It can conjure up positive
or negative opinions; it can elicit strong or weak emotional reactions. Disagreements & arguments frequently are centered
around the CONTENT of messages.
Being right or wrong are CONTENT expressions. Winning or losing is the outcome of content -
focused communication. Hurt or bad feelings can arise as a result of content - oriented communication.
Content is important
because it involves work, finances, sex, children, jobs, homes, cars, religion, time, politics, school, fashion, etc.
Over- concentration on CONTENT can lead to interpersonal stagnation & stress-related illness. Ignoring CONTENT,
however, can lead to confusion & a lack of problem-solving goals with the appropriate corrective action being taken. Clearly a balance is needed.
What are Feelings
FEELINGS are the lifeline to communication.
They are the ``process'' behind the message. They are ``how'' the message is being communicated. FEELINGS are value–free.
There are no right or wrong feelings. There is no ``winning'' or ``losing'' by focusing on feelings. Having one's feelings
understood and respected by another leads to a sense of being respected and cared for by that person. Trust can evolve when
we sense that others know how we are feeling.
Pitfalls of Over Focusing on Content in Communications
Focusing on Content in communication
has 3 pitfalls:
1. Parallel Listening:
Parallel listening occurs when a listener ignores the feelings of a speaker, concentrating solely on content.
Parallel listening is a "discounting" of the speaker by
ignoring feelings being expressed & adding only to the flow of content, even when it's relevant to the subject being discussed.
Parallel listening typically results in a listener ignoring
the feelings behind what's being discussed by a speaker, leading to the speaker's discouraging impression of being turned
off.
Parallel listening is one of the pitfalls of focusing on
CONTENT rather than on FEELINGS.
2. Jumping to Assumptions
The 2nd pitfall of concentrating on content
to the exclusion of feelings is jumping to the assumption that you know what the other is talking about & feeling.
Discussing "things" with no
effort to clarify "feelings" can lead to disastrous results; i.e., 2 people can be talking objectively about getting pregnant
with the result that the wife gets pregnant.
Unfortunately, the one who didn't
want to get pregnant had feelings ignored because they were never openly expressed. The ignored person can build up resentment
& hurt, which someday could blow up into a communication crisis.
3. Competition for the Control of Thinking
The 3rd pitfall of focusing on content is
the competition for who is smarter, more intelligent, has more common sense & knows more facts.
People who communicate
only at the content level can fall into the "who is best'' & "who is right" trap. One - upmanship in communication is often the result of being content oriented.
This discounting of the other's
intelligence, knowledge & common sense can result in alienation, isolation, lack of trust & lack of respect between
people
Benefits
of Effective Communications
1. Effective Listening
People who focus on the feelings
of messages being sent provide others with nonjudgmental acceptance. This helps the others feel listened to, cared about &
understood. In order to "hear" the feelings of others, a person must listen not only with the head, but also with the heart.
Feelings are the tools by which people communicate with one
another. Having one's feelings listened to makes a person feel respected, accepted & draws people closer together.
2. Effective Responding
A 2nd positive outcome of
"feelings focus" is facilitative responses shared by a person who encourages others to continue communicating
openly & trustingly.
Responses that
attempt to reflect back to the speakers "the feelings behind the message'' provide a mirror for the speakers to look at in
order to clarify how they feel about an issue. This clarification of feelings concerning the message can lead to mutual understanding
& respect, resulting in improved communication.
3. Productive Problem Solving with Effective Communication
Effective listening & facilitative responses result in a 3rd benefit of focusing on feelings:
- productive problem solving
Conflicts & immobilization often result not just from disagreement over CONTENT but more
importantly, because one or both parties sense that their FEELINGS are being ignored or discounted.
Productive problem solving
isn't purely content focused, rather it includes & values the feelings of both parties concerning the issue at hand. By
valuing their feelings, both parties feel cared for, understood & accepted.
This provides the energy
for creative problem solving & attaining mutually beneficial solutions.
1. Paraphrasing
To paraphrase, one simply
rewords what another individual has said. For example, the speaker might say, "She was foolish to quit her job."
The listener might
respond, "I hear you saying that you believe she shouldn't have quit." What's occurred is paraphrasing where the listener
has clarified what the speaker has said.
Paraphrase
- Restating what another person has said in your own words.
Example:
Speaker: It just
wasn't the right thing for him to do
Listener: You believe he shouldn't
have done that.
2. Open questions
An open question explores
a person's statement without requiring a simple "yes" or "no" answer. The basic difference between an open question &
a closed question is what they provide the person being asked.
When you're asked an open
question it helps you think more about an issue. A closed question will not do that. It may force you to answer before you're
ready, or require a "yes" or "no" answer that doesn't allow more thinking about the issue.
Closed questions
close the door on further thought, while open questions open the door. For example, the speaker might say, "I don't like my
job."
The listener might respond,
"What about your job don't you like?'' or, "Tell me more about your feelings regarding your job.''
Open Question
- A question that helps a person explore their feelings (rather than forcing a "yes," "no," or
other certain answer).
Example:
Speaker: I didn't
like that show.
Listener: What didn't you
like about it?
3. Feeling Reflection.
Feeling reflection is a response
in which you express a feeling or emotion you have experienced in reference to a particular statement.
i.e.,
the speaker might say,
- "I get sick of working so much overtime!''
The listener
might respond,
- "I hear you feeling angry & resentful at being asked to
work so much overtime."
Feeling reflections are perhaps
the most difficult active listening responses to make. Not only do you actively listen to what's being said but also you actively
listen for what's being felt.
When you make a feeling
reflection, you're reflecting back what you hear of another's feelings. It's similar to paraphrasing; however, you
repeat what you heard them feeling instead of what you heard them saying.
To understand what individuals
are feeling, you must listen to their words, to their tone of voice & watch their body signals. By observing all 3 you
can begin to guess their feelings.
Feeling Reflection
- your perception of the speaker's feelings based on words, tone & body language.
Example:
Speaker: I can't
stand to be kept waiting!
Listener: Your pacing the
floor & your tone of voice tells me that you feel this an abuse of your time.
How can listening skills be improved?
- Listen carefully so that
you'll be able to understand, comprehend & evaluate. Careful listening will require a conscious effort on your part. You
must be aware of the verbal & nonverbal messages (reading between the lines).
- Be mentally & physically
prepared to listen. Put other thoughts out of your mind. Your attention will be diverted from listening if you try to think
of answers in advance.
- You can't hear if YOU do
all the talking. Don't talk too much.
- Think about the topic in
advance, if possible. Be prepared to listen.
- Listen with empathy. See
the situation from the other's point of view. Try to put yourself in their shoes.
- Be courteous; don't interrupt.
Take notes if you worry about forgetting a particular point.
- Avoid stereotyping individuals
by making assumptions about how you expect them to act. This will bias your listening.
- Listen to how something is
said. Be alert for what is left unsaid.
- Make certain everyone involved
gets an opportunity to voice their opinions. Don't let one person dominate the conversation.
- Face those you are talking
with, lean slightly forward & make eye contact. Use body to show your interest, concern.
Roadblocks to effective listening.
The following types of responses indicate ineffective listening:
- warning
- interrogating
- preaching
- ordering
- judging
- diverting
- analyzing
- blaming
- labeling
- moralizing
- probing
- ridiculing
- threatening
- reassuring
- distracting
- sympathizing
- demanding
- interpreting
- teaching
- withdrawing
- giving solutions
- scolding
- praising
- advising
- criticizing
- directing
- lecturing
- name–calling
Reasons to Improve Listening Skills
-
To avoid saying
the wrong thing, being tactless
-
To dissipate strong
feelings
-
To learn to accept
feelings (yours & others)
-
To generate a feeling
of caring
-
To help people
start listening to you
-
To increase the
other person's confidence in you
-
To make the other
person feel important & recognized
-
To be sure you
both are on the same wavelength
-
To be sure you
both are focused on the same topic
-
To check that you're
both are on target with one another
Questions to Ask Yourself in Conversations
- What am I doing in this interaction?
- What are my strategies or
goals in communicating this message?
- Where do I want to go in
this conversation?
- What is my body feeling right now in this conversation?
- What pressures am I feeling in talking with this person?
- What could I say differently?
- How could I say that so as
to show I understood?
- What am I feeling at this
time?
- What impulses do I have?
- What's my decision–making
process in this conversation?
- How is she feeling toward me?
- What do I want or not want
him to feel?
- What risks am I experiencing
in this conversation?
- How is her appearance affecting
me?
- What fantasy is going on
in my head in this dialogue?
- What cues of the other am
I responding to?
- How does his behavior affect
my approach in this discussion?
- How genuine am I feeling at this time?
- How does what I say reflect
genuineness to her?
- How could I have made what
I just said more empathetic?
- How did I demonstrate respect
for the other?
- How is my level of communication & vocabulary affecting the dialogue?
- What different style of communication could I use to reach her better?
- How attentive am I to him
at this time?
- How do I feel about her response?
- How comfortable am I feeling
at this time?
- How are my values affecting
what I am hearing at this time?
- What is the level of my trust
at this time?
- How did that question further
the discussion & show I was listening?
- How mutually helpful is this
conversation at this time?
- How honest are my statements
with her?
- How comfortable am I in honestly
labeling what I see going on with him?
- What can I do to improve
the feedback I'm giving the other?
- How well am I tuning into
her feelings?
- What responses can
I use to demonstrate that I'm "with" the other?
Use these lists of words to
help you as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify the other person's feeling, then reflect them back to the speaker.
Positive feelings
Love, Affection, Concern, Interest
Elation, Joy
Eager
Potency, Strength, Fearlessness
NEGATIVE FEELINGS
Depressed, Sad
- abandoned
- despised
- horrible
- pathetic
- alien
- despondent
- humiliated
- pitiful
- alienated
- destroyed
- ill at ease
- rebuked
- alone
- discarded
- in the dumps
- regretful
- annihilate
- disconsolate
- jilted
- reprimanded
- awful
- discontented
- joyless
- rotten
- battered
- discouraged
- kaput
- ruined
- below par
- disfavored
- left out
- run down
- blue
- disheartened
- loathed
- sans burned
- dismal
- lonely
- somber
- cast off
- done for
- lonesome
- sorrowful
- cheapened
- downcast
- lousy
- spiritless
- cheerless
- downhearted
- low
- stranded
- crestfallen
- downtrodden
- melancholy
- sulky
- crushed
- dreadful
- miserable
- sullen
- dark
- dreary
- mishandled
- tearful
- debased
- estranged
- mistreated
- terrible
- defeated
- excluded
- moody
- unhappy
- degraded
- flat
- moping
- unloved
- dejected
- forlorn
- mournful
- upset
- demolished
- forsaken
- obsolete
- valueless
- depressed
- frowning
- ostracized
- washed up
- desolate
- funeral
- out of sorts
- whipped
- despair
- gloomy
- overlooked
- woeful
- grim
- glum
- hated
- worthless
- heavy–hearted
- wrecked
- grieving
- burdened
Distress, Hurt
Fear, Anxiety
Belittling, Criticism, Scorn
- abused
- diminished
- made light of
- ridiculed
- belittled
- discredited
- maligned
- roasted
- branded
- disdained
- minimized
- scoffed at
- carped at
- disgraced
- mocked
- scorned
- caviled at
- disparaged
- neglected
- shamed
- censured
- humiliated
- not taken seriously
- slammed
- criticized
- ignored
- overlooked
- slandered
- defamed
- jeered
- poked fun
at
- slighted
- deflated
- lampooned
- pooh–poohed
- thought nothing of
- deprecated
- laughed at
- pulled to pieces
- underestimated
- spurned
- libeled
- put down
- underrated
- derided
Doubtful
- distrustful
- indecisive
- questioning
- unbelieving
- dubious
- misgiving
- skeptical
- uncertain
- hesitant
- perplexed
- suspicious
- incredulity
Impotency, Inadequacy
- anemic
- flimsy
- insecure
- unable
- broken
- fragile
- insufficient
- unarmed
- broken down
- frail
- lame
- uncertain
- chicken–hearted
- harmless
- maimed
- unfit
- cowardly
- helpless
- meek
- unimportant
- crippled
- impotent
- nerveless
- unqualified
- debilitated
- inadequate
- paralyzed
- unsound
- defective
- incapable
- powerless
- unsubstantiated
- deficient
- incompetent
- puny
- useless
- demoralized
- indefensible
- shaken
- vulnerable
- disabled
- ineffective
- shaky
- weak
- effeminate
- inefficient
- sickly
- weak–hearted
- exhausted
- inept
- small
- wimp
- exposed
- inferior
- strengthless
- rudderless
- feeble
- infirm
- trivial
- dead beat
Anger, Hostility, Cruelty
- aggravated
- cross
- hypercritical
- rebellious
- agitated
- cruel
- ill–tempered
- reckless
- aggressive
- deadly
- impatient
- resentful
- angry
- cool
- incensed
- revengeful
- annoyed
- corrosive
- inconsiderate
- rough
- antagonistic
- dictatorial
- indignant
- rude
- arrogant
- disagreeable
- inflamed
- ruthless
- austere
- discontented
- infuriated
- sadistic
- bad–tempered
- dogmatic
- inhuman
- savage
- belligerent
- enraged
- insensitive
- severe
- bigoted
- envious
- intolerable
- spiteful
- biting
- fierce
- intolerant
- stern
- bloodthirsty
- fuming
- irritated
- stormy
- blunt
- furious
- irate
- sulky
- boiling
- gruesome
- mad
- sullen
- bullying
- hard
- malicious
- unfeeling
- callous
- hard–hearted
- mean
- unfriendly
- cantankerous
- harsh
- murderous
- unmerciful
- cold–blooded
- hateful
- nasty
- unruly
- combative
- heartless
- obstinate
- vicious
- contrary
- hellish
- offended
- vindictive
- cranky
- hideous
- opposed
- violent
- critical
- hostile
- oppressive
- worked–up
- provoked
- prejudiced
- outraged
- wrathful
- poisonous
- piqued
- perturbed
- wrought–up
Practice listening for feelings
Give either a paraphrase,
an open question, or a feeling – reflection listening response for each of the following statements. First identify the feelings then give your response. Compare your answers with a friend's. Discuss the feelings identification & appropriateness of your responses.
I'm overwhelmed with work & can't get to your project yet.
Feelings:
Response:
No one ever appreciates me around here!
Feelings:
Response:
I'm lost. I'll
never get this job done. Can you help me with this?
Feelings:
Response:
When I was younger
I never knew what to expect in my house. One day Dad would be happy & carefree & the next day he might be angry & hateful.
Feelings:
Response:
I always work
hard to achieve the goals of my group. I can't believe everyone else doesn't feel that way.
Feelings:
Response:
I'm so upset.
I hate bringing the baby to the mall. Everyone stares at him. I get so embarrassed, I could cry!
Feelings:
Response:
Why doesn't anyone
understand how I feel? I try my hardest but it never seems to matter. They still argue & fight all the time.
Feelings:
Response:
I'd rather die
than let anyone know how I feel about it.
Feelings:
Response:
No one but me
is responsible for what happens to me. Butt out of my business & I'll butt out of yours.
Feelings:
Response:
Why did this have
to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why has God chosen me for this?
Feelings:
Response:
Why doesn't anyone
ever hear me? I'm so anxious for them to give me a chance but they all seem busy & preoccupied. I don't think they really care about me anymore.
Feelings:
Response:
You're all a bunch
of phonies. I can't stand your cold–hearted, pompous ideas of right & wrong. I'd rather be anywhere else than with
you tonight!
Feelings:
Response:
I get so embarrassed in that group. Everyone seems so together & with it. I'm afraid they'd never accept me for who I am & the way I feel.
Feelings:
Response:
I get so
uptight coming to this group every week. I'm sure that someday my turn will come & I'll be so clammed up I'll never be
able to say a word.
Feelings:
Response:
I'm so afraid of letting my feelings out. If I ever let them out, I may never stop. I might go over the edge.
Feelings:
Response:
My dad & mom
are so busy taking care of my little brother that I'm afraid to tell them about my problems. They seem insignificant compared to his problems.
Feelings:
Response:
Nobody really
cares if we win or lose. They goof around & take nothing serious.
Feelings:
Response:
I'm so untalented,
ignorant & ugly that no one could possibly love me.
Feelings:
Response:
I wish that I'd
never been born. If I hadn't been born, maybe my family wouldn't have had such problems. Maybe Mom & Dad would have been
happy & not divorced.
Feelings:
Response:
I want to thank
you for making this the best day of my life. You're all so special & wonderful. I love you all.
Feelings:
Response:
Ten Practice Listening Topics:
How I feel about:
- My life today.
- Being raised in my family of origin.
- All the good things that have happened to me
- My future.
- My decision to participate in a support group.
- My current personal problems.
- Learning to deal with my problems.
- Listening to other people's deepest concerns and feelings.
- Showing love to those closest to me.
- The fact that I influence my life, regardless of the events,
with either positive or negative outcomes.
Nonverbal Communication Issues
What is nonverbal communication?
You cannot say nothing! Try
to sit for one minute without speaking. Even if you are able to keep from moving you will still communicate rigidity, anxiety,
or something. We are always saying something. It is important to observe and try to understand what is being communicated.
In many situations people say what they think intellectually rather than what they feel emotionally. There is some truth in
the old cliche ``actions speak louder than words.'' Body language, carefully observed and interpreted, can tell a lot about
what others are feeling.
Nonverbal communication is learned and practiced often on an
unconscious level. We attract people by using these nonverbal signals, and sometimes those we attract (or who are attracted
to us) are unwholesome. As we grow older and become more aware of ourselves we should be able to recognize and weed out the
unwholesome in favor of those for whom we have an affinity.
Body language can be disguised behind a mask out of a fear of
rejection. This can discourage wanted and needed relationships from developing. Those who want and need certain relationships
to develop must relearn their nonverbal skills and unmask themselves in order to avoid alienation.
Body language is open to misinterpretation just as verbal communication
is. It must be interpreted in the context of one's lifestyle, family, cultural background, and other factors that may be obscure.
Each person has a limited repertoire of gestures and uses the same gestures to signify certain feelings. Gestures also can
occur in clusters, so that while any particular gesture alone may not mean much, when it is reinforced by other gestures in
a cluster the feeling or attitude being projected is confirmed.
What are some nonverbal gestures?
Openness, confidence:
- Open hands, palms up
- Unbuttoning or removing jacket
(men)
- eye contact
- smile, leaning forward, relaxed
- Hands away from face, possibly
behind back
- standing straight, feet slightly apart, shoulders squared
- Hand in belt thumb hooked
in waist
- clucking
- snapping fingers
- smacking palm
Cooperation, readiness:
- standing with hands on hips, feet apart, head tilted
- Uncrossed legs
- a person moves closer to another
- Unbuttoned coat (men)
- Head cocked, finger to face,
blinking or squinting
- welcoming handshake
- Open arms or hands (palms out)
- smile
- eye contact
- rubbing palms together indicating expectation of something
pleasant
- Hand to chest in a man indicates
loyalty (but in a woman it is defensiveness)
- touching, patting, holding hands to give reassurance
Professional:
- taking notes
- evaluation gestures especially hand to face
- leaning forward
- use of space in seating so as to avoid barriers
- eye contact
- Lincolnesque position
- absence of gestures indicative of dominance, indifference,
defensiveness, etc. (See section M.) Take notice of gestures signifying
a desire to interrupt: "school'' gesture of raising hand displaced to tugging ear or just raising hand from table and then
dropping back
- index finger to lip to restrain from interrupting
- Hand on arm of speaker
Indifference, boredom:
- leg over arm of chair
- rhythmic drumming, tapping
- legs crossed
- shaking one foot (women)
- straighten up then slouch
- "cold shoulder," turning away especially toward exit
- glancing at exit
- rigid, unmoving posture with fixed stare
- yawning
- Hand holding up face, drooping
eyelids
- fidget or rock
- turning up nose &/or "tsk'' sound (signifying disgust)
Evaluation, interest:
- Hand to cheek gesture in
style of Rodin's The Thinker statue
- slight blinking or squinting
- chin stroking
- Hands touching face especially
upper lip
- leaning forward (positive)
& leaning back negative)
- Head tilted, ear cocked
- peering over top of glasses
- sucking on tip of pencil or earpiece of glasses indicates wish
for nourishment in form of more information
- arched eyebrows
- licking lips
- wrinkling nose
- scratching head
- ruffling hair
Doubt:
- pacing
- Hand over nose
- eyes closed
- brow furrowed
- arched eyebrows
- frown
- scratching in front of ear
- rubbing eyes
- Hand to face gestures (evaluative)
- pacing with head down & hands behind back or just standing
- unwise to interrupt a person thus engaged
- scratching head
- pinching bridge of nose, especially with head lowered
Suspicion, secretiveness:
- folded arms, moving away from another
- crossed legs
- Head tilted forward
- rubbing nose
- lack of eye contact
- hand covering mouth
- scratching in front of ear
- frown
- scrunching in with head down
- stolen look, sideways glance
- sideways positioning
- "poker face"
- deception indicated by lack of eye contact
- anxiety gestures
- looking at floor
- frequent swallowing
- wetting lips
- throat clearing
- scratching head
Need for reassurance:
- clenched hands with thumbs rubbing
- stroking arms
- cuticle picking
- Hand pinching sucking on
pen, glasses, etc.
- touching chair before sitting
- Hand to throat (women) often displaced to seemingly checking to see if necklace is still there
Anxiety:
- nail biting
- finger movement
- sighing
- Hand wringing
- rapid, twitchy movements
- clearing throat
- tremors, especially knees
- Heavy breathing
- voice strained
- lips quivering
- rapid eye movement
- rigidity
- crossed fingers
- chewing on things
Frustration, anger:
- making fists
- Hands on hips
- stomping
- if sitting – on edge of chair (ready
for action)
- chin out
- kicking the ground
- lips pressed together, jaw muscles tight
- running fingers through hair
- rubbing back of neck
- Hand in pocket
- snorting
- clenched hands with white knuckles
- pointing or jabbing
- Hot under collar
- putting out cigarette especially if with grinding motion
- change in skin color
- Hostile stare
Defensiveness:
- Hands in pocket
- Hands behind back
- clenched hands
- men with jackets button up
- folded arms (can be reinforced
by making fists)
- crossed legs
- body twisted away, moving away, sitting back
- looking at door
- Head tilted forward, possibly
squinting
- stalling for time by cleaning glasses, rearranging, etc.
- hand rubbing back of neck.
Self-control, inner conflict:
- Hand holding wrist or arm
- Arm locked behind back
- Locked ankles
- Gripping arms of chair as in dentist's chair
- Suppressed gestures or displacement activities such as fist
clenched hidden in pocket
- Hand to mouth in astonishment
or fear (suppressed scream)
- Hand rubbing back of neck,
running fingers thru hair (displaced hitting out), "stiff upper lip" or
reacting as little as possible
- Blowing nose & coughing (disguised
tears)
Dominating:
- Elevating self, like standing when others are sitting
- Taking a different posture than others in a group, especially
hands behind head
- Sitting straddling the chair
- Standing with arms spread & hands gripping desk or table
- Loud voice or low voice carefully enunciated
- Standing or walking with hands behind back & chin up
- Thumbs in lapels
Superior & subordinate:
- The superior usually has
hand on top in a handshake while the person who is subordinate offers his hand with palm up
- The superior makes the motion
to terminate the encounter
- The superior can violate
the subordinate's space, & can express doubt, evaluation, domineering gestures
- The subordinate is more likely
to signify self-control, anxiety, defensiveness gesture clusters
- When putting feet on desk
the superior should recognize that subordinates dislike this gesture, superiors pretend to ignore it & equals take little
note of it
Flirtation, courtship:
- (lovers & couples)
positioning to block out others
- preening gestures such as smoothing hair, adjusting clothes
- Gaze holding
- Head arching
- Stroking own thigh or arm
(in general, stroking & fondling indicates need for affection, reassurance)touching.
- A couple with strained relations
avoids touching (withdraw if touch by accident) & are formally polite.
Unmarried (courting) couples tend to stay together at gatherings while married couples tend to pair off
with the men all standing together & the women going off together.
In couples where one partner
is concerned about the seductiveness of the other, rights of possession are signaled by touching (arm
around waist, taking by hand, hand on shoulder).
"Open" & "Closed" Gestures
Our gestures oftentimes tell something about us that we are
not able or willing to communicate verbally. Here is a partial list of "open" & "closed" gestures - "open" are present
when a person is ready and willing to communicate, "closed" are present when there may be something standing in the way of
honest, complete communication. These gestures can be observed in spouse relationships, parent–child relationships,
supervisor–worker relationships, worker–client relationships, and any other time that two people are communicating.
Maybe you will discover that your body language has been "telling" on you!
|
Open Gesture |
Closed Gesture |
|
open hands |
hand covering mouth |
|
palms up |
making fists |
|
unbuttoning jacket |
peering over top of glasses |
|
spontaneous eye contact |
glancing at exit |
|
smile |
frown |
|
leaning forward |
leaning back |
|
relaxed |
rigid |
|
hands away from face |
looking at floor |
|
standing straight |
moving away |
|
feet apart |
legs crossed, shaking foot |
|
shoulders squared |
fidgeting |
|
uncrossed legs |
locked ankles |
|
welcoming handshake |
folded arms |
|
touching |
cold shoulder |
|
patting |
open palm tapping |
|
rubbing palms together |
hand wringing |
|
affirmative head nods |
head lowered |
|
eye contact |
lack of eye contact |
|
calm use of facial movements |
staring or eyes closed |
|
body positioned toward other |
rocking |
|
seating arrangement with no barriers |
stalling for time (light pipe, clean glasses, etc.) |
How do You or Others Come Across Nonverbally?
Answer these these questions honestly:
- Is the message I am saying the message I am feeling? Am I really
hearing what the other is saying?
- Is this person someone with whom I really am interested in
communicating? Does this person really want to talk with me?
- Do I feel bored when I am with this person? Does this person
seem to be bored with me?
- Am I struggling to remain interested in this person? Does this
person really share ``true'' feelings with me?
- Would I like to disagree with this person at this time? Does
this person want to disagree with me?
- Am I overreacting to what this person is saying? Does this
person overreact to my statements?
- Do I really want to be here today with this person? Does this
person want to be here with me?
- Does this person threaten me? Do I threaten this person?
- Does this person trust me? Do I trust myself with this person?
- Are my feelings about this person coming across?
Are the person's feelings about me clear to me?
Nonverbal Tips for Improved Communication
- Make yourself comfortable with the other. Avoid being too close
or too far away physically. (Within two feet is a comfortable range.)
- Be relaxed and attentive. To gain acceptance lean slightly
toward the other. Avoid slouching or sitting rigidly.
- Maintain frequent eye contact. Avoid staring, glaring, or looking
away.
- Give nonverbal communication while the other is talking, such
as a simple nod of approval.
- Keep gestures smooth and unobtrusive. Don't let them compete
for attention with your words. Avoid letting your gestures reveal emotional frustration.
- Your rate of speech should be average or a bit slower. Avoid
sounding impatient or hesitant. Control the tone of your voice. Avoid sounding cold and harsh.
- Maintain a clearly audible voice—neither too loud nor
too soft.
- Your feet and legs should be unobtrusive. Avoid using them
as a barrier.
- Smile when appropriate; look pleasant and genuine.
- Stay alert through long conversations. Closing eyes and yawning
usually blocks communication.
Nonverbal Silent Role–Play Activity
Directions:
This activity can be done by two people or it can be done in
a group. It is similar to charades. Write down each of the following role–play issues on an index card and shuffle the
cards. You and your friend(s) take turns being the ``speaker.'' The object of the game is for the ``speaker'' to illustrate
the situation on the card selected using nonverbal cues only. The speaker is not allowed to talk. The speaker has a two–minute
limit. The ``listener(s)'' are to guess what the speaker is saying after one minute has gone by and before the two minute
limit expires. If successful, the ``listener'' wins. If the ``listener'' does not guess correctly by the end of the two minutes,
the speaker wins. Take turns until all players have completed a turn as listener and as speaker.
Nonverbal, silent–role plays
Act out your:
- Attitude about the women's liberation movement.
- Attitude about the two major political parties in the United
States.
- Attitude about the United States' manned space shuttle program.
- Reaction to the space shuttle Challenger explosion.
- Acceptance of the invitation to be a civilian astronaut on
a space shuttle mission.
- Attitude about state lotteries.
- Reaction to accepting a lottery award of $1000/week for the
rest of your life.
- Feelings about outlawing all ``happy hours'' at bars, lounges,
and restaurants.
- Opinion on drunk drivers who get into accidents where bodily
harm results.
- Attitude about legalizing marijuana.
- Feelings about the quality of TV programming today.
- Feelings about sex and violent crime on TV today.
- Feelings about TV regarding the younger generation.
- Feelings about how much TV a child should watch each day.
- Attitude about the quality of movies today.
- Opinion on Americans idolizing movie stars and music personalities.
- Reaction to the current trend in popular music.
- Feelings about kids watching music videos.
- Feelings about popular music as it regards sex and the use
of drugs.
- Thinking about the current trend in teenage clothes and hairstyles.
- Feelings about the passage of a ``Right to Life'' amendment
to the U.S. Constitution.
- Feelings about mixing religious and political issues in the
election of local, state, and national leaders.
- Feelings about the state of morality in America today.
- Feelings about the rise of ``fundamentalism'' in America today.
- Opinion on organized religion as it addresses the pressing
issues of racial discrimination, world hunger, and bigotry.
- Feelings about the efforts of movie stars and music personalities
to raise money for charity. (Live Aid, Band Aid, Hands Across America, AIDS Research, Farm Aid, etc.)
- Attitude toward letting others know your feelings.
- Feelings toward your family of origin.
- Attitude about the current problems in your marriage, in your
family, on your job (or in school). (Three–part role play, two minutes per topic.)
- Reaction to getting a free trip to Disney World/EPCOT.
- Attitude toward the new/old Miami Vice fashion craze.
- Favorite types of music for listening, for entertaining, for
romance, and for dancing.
- Favorite childhood story or fairy tale.
- Feelings about vivisection (animals used in laboratory research).
- Feelings about the way people get along at your place of business.
- Attitude toward support groups in regard to solving your current
problems.
- Opinion about this game and the questions to be role
played.
Links on Nonverbal Communications
General
Across Cultures
-
Analysis
of Cultural Communication & Proxemics
click here
-
Gestures Around the World click here
-
The International Business Etiquette
Internet Sourcebook click here
-
Regional & Cultural Presentations click here
Improving Responding Communication Skills
What are effective responses for healthy communication?
Effective responses for healthy communication are those perceived
as being empathetic, caring, warm, and thoughtful. The eight responses listed 1 through 8 are in the order of most effective
to least effective. Remember, however, that each of these responses could be effective depending on the context in which it
was used.
Study each response, including the examples. Which responses
would be most likely to create healthy interpersonal relationships? Repair damaged relationships?
1. Understanding:
An understanding response is most likely to create a climate
where honest, frank communication can occur. It is a feelings–oriented response which conveys sensitivity and understanding.
Strong negative feelings can become a barrier to communication; this response can diminish those feelings. Understanding is
empathy, i.e., accurately tuning in to what the other person is feeling at the time. It implies listening beyond the words
and reflecting the feelings.
Understanding Response Examples:
- You're feeling discouraged and wonder what's the use.
- You're offended and angry.
- You're excited over your new assignment.
- You seem pleased to have been selected.
By focusing on others' feelings you are recognizing them as
individuals, persons worthy of your concern. This type of response can reduce hostile feelings in normal persons. It can also
be used with persons when they are over–emotional, crying, fearful, etc., to get beyond those feelings, or reactions.
Understanding or empathy can repair a damaged relationship.
2. Clarification:
The clarification response indicates your intent to comprehend
what the other is saying or to identify the most significant feelings that are emerging. It indicates that what others are
saying is important and you are checking it out to ensure your perceptions. This can be done in several ways: echoing the
last few words spoken, summarizing the points that seem most relevant, or paraphrasing. A response of this nature can be followed
profitably by a period of silence. This gives the others a chance to draw thoughts together or to correct your impression.
Clarification responses reinforce your desire to see from the other's point of view.
Clarification Response Examples:
- I gather that you were able to manage your married life before
your baby was born.
- You seem to be saying that you were happier in California and
that you would like to go back there.
- Let's see, what you want to do is find a more challenging job?
- If I hear you correctly, you are saying that you could devise
a better way of doing this.
This response is useful in reducing hostility. It not only encourages
the others to explain more fully, but also serves to focus the discussion, especially when followed by silence on your part.
It gives the others a chance to draw their thoughts together and to take responsibility for coming up with their own ideas.
Another use for clarification responses is to stall for time to think of a more appropriate response.
3. Self–disclosure:
Self–disclosure shows your attempts to give others insight
into who you are. It is sharing something about yourself that relates directly to the conversation: your personal beliefs,
attitudes, values, or an event from your past. Self–disclosure can reduce anxiety by reassuring others that they are
not alone in their feelings or fears.
Self-disclosure Response Examples:
- When we had our son the doctor treated us that way, too!
- I have always believed that it was better to keep my mouth
shut when my parents were fighting.
- Like you, I never felt as if anyone accepted me for the way
I was.
- When I was younger kids always made fun of my weight, the clothes
I wore; I know what it is like to stand out in a crowd.
Self–disclosure is useful in connecting with another person
who has similar problems or life concerns. In peer support groups this lets newcomers know that they have come to the right
place, that there are people here who have experienced similar problems. Over–use of this response is not helpful because
it focuses attention on the wrong person. It can be viewed as an attention–getting device. Use sparingly for the best
effect.
4. Questioning:
Like it sounds, the question response seeks to elicit information.
It allows others to develop a point. Open questions focus on the others' general situation, thoughts, reactions, and feelings.
They tend to promote communication. Closed questions focus on specific facts or aspects of the others situation, generally
evoking ``yes'' or ``no'' answers.
Questioning Response Examples:
- Do you get along well with your boss? (closed)
- Can you tell me about your boss? (open)
- Do you like the new house? (closed)
- What do you like about the new house? (open)
- Is this confusing you? (closed)
- What is it that's confusing you? (open)
Open questions are recommended for exploring a broad topic.
Closed questions can be interspersed to get to specific facts or can be used to cut off long, irrelevant explanations. In
either case, listening to the answer, both what is said and what is left unsaid, is vital to the questioning process. Caution
is needed with questions beginning with ``why.'' They pressure the other for an explanation and can cause resentment. ``Why''
questions can seem to express disapproval, being perceived as a cut–down or criticism.
5. Information giving:
Information giving involves relating facts in an objective manner
without judgement or evaluation. It leaves the other person free to accept or reject the facts. It allows the other to take
responsibility for using the information. This response is useful in giving both positive and negative feedback (confrontation).
The others relate only to what has actually occurred and the effect that this has had. Words such as ``always,'' ``never,''
``should,'' ``ought,'' are only used in setting limits. (The facts about what must or must not be done, time frames, and limitations.)
Information giving Response Examples:
- This project has a time frame of six weeks and should not exceed
a budget of $850.
- Children at every level need touching and nurturing to develop
self–worth.
- The support group can be used to meet others dealing with similar
problems.
Responding to others' feelings with an information response
increases the chances of their respecting and following the limits suggested.
6. Reassurance:
Reassurance responses reduce anxiety, diffuse intense feelings,
and express confidence. They provide a pat on the back, but imply that certain feelings or thoughts should be dismissed as
being ``normal'' or ``common.'' This response does not foster a relationship because it tends to discount people's problems.
Cliches fall into this category. Reassurance is often used by people who come upon a situation that is out of their realm
of experience; they don't know what to do or say, and they may be embarrassed.
Reassurance Response Examples:
- Don't worry. Other people have made it; so will you.
- Things may look bad now, but it will be OK in the morning.
- You are not really fat.
- Hang in there. Disappointment is a normal feeling.
This response could be reworded into an understanding, clarifying
or information–giving response and be more effective. Used as an expression of sympathy in conjunction with other responses
can be helpful. For example, instead of ``You will manage,'' substitute ``You have handled this situation before. Relax and
use your best judgement. Do what you feel is right for you'' (information giving) and ``I have confidence in you'' (reassurance).
7. Analytical:
The intent of the analytical response is to analyze, explain,
or interpret the other person's behavior and feelings. It goes beyond whatever the other has said to explain or connect ideas
and events. Unlike clarification, this response adds something from your own thoughts, feelings, values, etc. It implies that
you are wise, you know more than the other person. Under most circumstances the analytical response leads to resentment in
others.
Analytical Response Examples:
- The reason you are having so much trouble with him is that
he reminds you of your father whom you hate.
- You often come to our group late because you really don't feel
comfortable here.
- You see her as an authority figure; that is why you can't relate
to her.
- You are lonely because you are afraid to risk getting involved
with people.
The analytical response is more appropriate for therapists where
there is an ongoing counseling relationship and where the patient needs to become aware of certain behavior or reaction patterns.
Even then it sometimes works better to use an information–giving response. Interpretation is a poor response to use
in confronting a person with behavior of which you disapprove.
8. Advice–giving:
Advice giving is usually unproductive. It implies that you are
in a position to know the reasons for the other person's problems, and what they ought, must, or should do about them. You
are, thus, judging the goodness, appropriateness, effectiveness, or correctness of the other's actions. Others are being measured
by your personal value system and are found somehow lacking. This is a process of blaming others for their own problems.
Advice Giving Response Examples:
- If I were you, I'd write to him and ask him to send you something
for the kids. You should get a divorce, it's the only answer to your marital problems.
- Instead of arguing, you should try to see the other person's
viewpoint.
- You shouldn't say things like that.
Telling people what to do takes away their responsibility for
decisions and problem solving. Advice often arouses resistance and resentment, even when there is outward compliance. Giving
advice, even when requested can, foster dependency. Reword advice into an information–giving response or a question.
How can Empathy be Conveyed?
Responding in a healthy manner means conveying understanding,
referred to as empathy. One effective technique used to convey empathy is reflection, which acts as a mirror to provide
feedback. It conveys understanding to both the emotional content of what is said and the environmental components (events
having an impact on the emotions expressed). Being in tune with others provides valuable feedback, which is useful in improving
the effectiveness of your communication. When others see that what they say and feel is important enough to be listened to,
a warm, respectful kindred feeling evolves. This affinity contributes to unity in the relationship and increases task abilities
and motivation. Also, since you become more sensitive to the others' needs you can respond accordingly. Reflection of empathy
means responding with intense interest using different words to convey the original meaning. For example:
Other: I'm really not with this stuff today.
All these medical terms you're throwing out are mumbo–jumbo to me, and I couldn't give a damn about them. I know I've
gotten a bum deal, and my child has problems.
You: Having new words to learn is pretty
frustrating and nerve racking, especially when you did not ask for any of this
Other: Yeah, so please help me to understand
what I need to do to help him.
It is important that reflective responses be nonjudgmental.
A judgmental response adds a new conclusion, interprets the other persons' behavior as good or bad, or distorts the person's
words. For example:
Other: I don't know … having a baby
just isn't what I expected. I thought it would make life more exciting, that it would really turn me on. But it seems that
my family life is a dead end. My husband and I end up sitting around doing nothing. Our marriage is so different now that
we have a child.
Poor judgmental reflection: It's too bad
you feel stagnated. It could be exciting if you didn't just sit around. (This does not indicate that you heard the speaker;
it contradicts the speaker, and is judgmental).
Good nonjudgmental reflection: You're saying
that having the baby hasn't given you what you expected: something new and exciting in your marriage.
Tips for responding to others to create a supportive relationship:
Respond in a way that focuses attention on the issues and concerns:
clarify inconsistencies and gather facts quickly and unobtrusively.
Let the other person know that you are listening and following
what is being said. Give an occasional ``Yes, I see,'' or ``Uh–huh.''
Probe with open–ended statements to gain more information.
Use ``Tell me more about …'', ``Let's talk about that,'' or ``I'm wondering about …'' Responding in this manner
is usually more effective than using specific who, what, when, where, and why questions.
Ask for clarification, e.g., ``I'm having trouble understanding
what you're saying. Is it that …?'' or ``Could you go over that again, please?''
Use understandable words. Listen to the vocabulary of the other
person to get a clue to their level of understanding.
Try not to preach, blame, or be demanding.
Try to avoid straying from the topic.
Show understanding and sincerity in your responses, so the other
person will feel comfortable discussing additional information.
Try not to talk excessively about yourself. Keep self–
disclosure to a minimum.
Give responses appropriate for the age, sex, and emotional state
of the other person.
Avoid responses that put you on the defensive. ``I'm sorry,
I really didn't mean that,'' is a bad approach.
Be comfortable with silence. Don't feel that silence needs to
be filled with talk. Don't do all the talking.
Try to remain neutral and nonjudgmental in your response to
actions, comments, or conditions you find antagonizing, shocking, or hostile.
If you become tangential (straying from the topic) try to refocus
the discussion.
If people become emotional and cry, allow them to cry. Show
respect. Don't stop them, but try to make them feel as comfortable as possible while they are crying.
Use responsive body language: make eye contact, lean forward
Issues to focus on when responding to a friend in a supportive relationship
include
If your friend is displaying anxiety:
- What is your friend anxious about?
- What situations bother your friend?
- Is this a reaction your friend has been having for a while,
or is it a new one?
- Did some particular incident set these feelings off?
- Can your friend remember having felt this way before?
- What other feelings accompany the anxiety?
- Does your friend have any idea why the anxious feelings have
occurred?
- How does the anxiety get in the way now?
- What purpose does the anxiety serve?
- In what ways does it protect your friend?
- Is the anxiety related to you or to the support group? Is it
related to the subject matter? All of the above?
- Is your friend scared of being scared? Is your friend frightened
by the anxiety?
- What does your friend imagine would happen if the feelings
were let go?
- If your friend gave the anxiety a voice, what would it say?
If your friend is hurt:
- What situations cause your friend to end up being hurt?
- Does this happen with specific people?
- Is it an angry or a sad hurt?
- When your friend is hurt, what is the typical response?
- How do others get the power to hurt your friend?
- How does your friend want others to respond?
- When your friend responds inappropriately, how does it feel?
- Did your friend anticipate being hurt before he entered the
relationship?
- Are there ways he contributed or ``set up'' being hurt?
- How does your friend let others know that he has been hurt?
- Has your friend been hurt badly in the past?
- Does one incident stick out in your friend's mind as being
particularly painful?
- If so, what were the consequences for your friend then?
- What needs of your friend are not being met?
If your friend is experiencing guilt:
- What does your friend feel guilty about?
- Is it one particular thing that happened or a lot of things?
- Is your friend afraid somebody will find out?
- What does your friend think would happen if someone found out?
- How would your friend react?
- When your friend felt guilt before, how was it handled?
- Who taught your friend to feel guilty in this kind of situation?
- Does it seem that your friend gave others the power to make
her feel guilty?
- What does it mean, in terms of how your friend sees herself,
when she feels guilty?
- What would your friend really like to say or do when responding
with guilt?
- What consequences does your friend anticipate?
- Is your friend's guilt relevant, or is it carried over from
an earlier period?
If your friend is discussing affection:
- What fears does your friend have about being close to others?
- Is the difficulty in giving affection, receiving it, or both?
- How has your friend handled the need for affection in the past?
How has loneliness be handled?
- How would your friend like people to show their affection?
- Have there been times in your friend's life when affection
was really needed and it didn't come?
- In retrospect, can your friend see any reason why he didn't
get affection? Was part of it his inability to respond?
- Does your friend makes it difficult for others to respond warmly
and affectionately to him?
- Does your friend see parts of himself as being unlovable?
- If so, how did your friend learn that?
- How does your friend let others know that he needs them to
care?
- Does your friend experience the ambivalence of being afraid
of affection and wanting it at the same time?
If your friend is angry:
- Does your friend feel angry all the time, or just in specific
situations?
- What is it that makes your friend angry?
- How does your friend express anger—physically, verbally,
or by holding it inside?
- What value judgment does your friend put on being angry?
- Does the anger get displaced to relatively unimportant situations?
- With whom is your friend angry? Why?
- How does your friend deal with other people's anger?
- What have been the consequences of your friend's anger in the
past?
- When people important in your friend's life fight with each
other angrily, what does your friend imagine would happen?
- Is your friend afraid the anger will destroy, or is your friend
afraid the anger will have no impact?
A Learning Program for Improving Responses
This program is designed to help you improve your responses
to people. The page should be covered so that only the first instruction is exposed. Each printed instruction is called a
frame. A black line, like the one below, signals the end of a frame. After you have finished reading frame "A'', move down
to the black line below frame "B''.
Eight responses with a high probability of creating healthy
communication are presented. These responses are highly rated because they are perceived as empathic, caring, warm, and person–centered.
The eight facilitating responses are listed from the least (1)
to the most facilitating (8):
1. Advice or evaluation indicates
your judgment of relative goodness, appropriateness, effectiveness, or correctness.
2. Analytical or interpretation
shows your intent to teach, to impart insight, to show meaning.
3. Reassuring or supportive implies
your intent to reduce the anxiety or intense feelings in the other person.
4. Information giving signals
your desire to share basic, needed information with the other person.
5. Probe or question reveals an
intent to seek additional information, provide further discussion, to query.
6. Self–disclosure exhibits
your intent to share the fact that you have experienced what the other person has.
7. Summary or clarification denotes
your intent to understand what the other person is saying, or to identify the most significant ideas or feelings that seem
to be emerging.
8. Understanding or reflection
conveys your understanding or ability to ``read'' others' feelings
In the following examples,
a person's comment is followed by a response. You're to identify the type of response being used.
Identify the response
using the 8 responses listed. Once you have marked the response type, uncover the next frame
for the answer.
Person: It just
seems like year after year goes by without my being able to get pregnant.
Response: You feel discouraged because we can't seem to have
children.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: My parents are getting a divorce, and I wish
they wouldn't.
Response: You feel upset because your parents are splitting
up.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: I am caught in the middle. I am unable to
handle both my job and the household chores. I need help. Either I need to stay home more, or I need assistance with the work
around my house.
Response: You should hire a maid.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Advice
Person: It has been hard for me to adjust since I
had my son. The days seem so busy, and I need help with him.
Response: Do you know about the programs available at the child
development center for children with his problems? There are many children like him who go there for school and therapy on
a daily basis.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Information giving
Person: I am always picking on my kids. Sometimes I think I
am too hard on them.
Response: You are worried about the way you discipline the children
because it brings up the horrible memories of the abuse your father inflicted on you.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Analytical
Person: I am bored at home all day long. There is
nothing for me to do but clean the house and take care of the kids.
Response: Before I went back to work, I felt the same way.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Self–disclosure
Person: I just hate it. The house is a mess.
Response: Maybe this experience will remind you to help your
wife more with the chores.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Advice
Person: Just facing my mother tomorrow has me frightened to
death.
Response: What about your mom has you so upset?
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Probe (open question)
Person: It is frightening to consider moving after
all these years. But I know I have to accept the transfer if I am ever to get ahead.
Response: The prospect of moving is unpleasant, but you want
to advance your career.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: It is frightening to consider moving after
all these years. They may have been full of misery and pain, but still, this was home.
Response: It's natural to feel that way at a time like this.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Reassuring/supportive
Person: (Silence)
Response: That last comment of mine must have struck home. I
can see by your reaction you still feel some guilt about the way you have treated your children.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Analytical
Person: I wish I had never gotten involved with those
bastards.
Response: You seem to be really upset right now.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Response: How does it feel, then, to have a child with a handicap?
Type of response:
Answer to frame Probe (open question)
Person: So I finally had to place him in the home. Since then,
I have had nothing but trouble with the other kids.
Response: The problems became so unbearable that you had to
place your child in a group home, but your problems have not ended after getting help for him.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Summary/clarification
Person: I feel so stressed every time she visits
our house.
Response: What have you done so far to take care of yourself?
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Probe (open question)
Person: The way they all look at him bothers me.
Response: They way others look at your child is upsetting.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: I am very anxious around my father's new
girl friend.
Response: You probably have this anxiety because of an unresolved
Oedipal conflict.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Analytical
Person: (Silence – tears)
Response: I know that it is hard for you to talk about this
now. Just begin when you want to.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: You can imagine how I felt when I discovered
she was disabled. What was I supposed to do, just stand there and watch their abusive behavior? I let them know how I felt!
Response: You really were angry and upset.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: There are times when I wish my husband wasn't
so busy, that our son could have a father to grow up with.
Response: He might benefit from the father's program. It was
begun just this past year for dad's with disabled kids.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Information giving
Person: There are times when I could just kill them.
Response: You get so rattled with your relatives; you are totally
frustrated.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: I know that drinking doesn't really help me in the long
run, and it sure doesn't help our family. She keeps threatening to leave. I know all this, but it is hard to stay away from
the booze.
Response: You are aware of some of the ways that drinking is
harmful, and yet you can't leave it alone.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Clarification/summary
Person: I am really discouraged since his last operation. I
feel that since he has come home from the hospital, the other kids stay farther and farther away from him.
Response: This would be a good thing to bring up in your next
family meeting: How the kids are reacting to his latest operation and how it affects you.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Advice
Person Arriving one hour late: Sorry I am late; the
bus was delayed.
Response: This makes the fifth time you have been late to group.
It gives me the feeling that you are not too interested.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Analytical
Person: I don't
want you to tell my parents what I am telling you. They will be annoyed with me again.
Response: Don't worry about me telling them; what you share
with me stays with me.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Supportive, information giving
Person: When the
doctor told me that the baby was retarded and that we should put him away in some institution, I blew up and ran out of his
office.
Response: His lack of sensitivity was acute.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: His parents
have been out to get me from the first time I met them.
Response: What gives you that feeling?
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Probe (open question)
Person: He is always telling
me what to do, what to think, what to like. What a jerk!
Response: What did he say to you this time?
Type of response:
Answer to frame Probe (open question)
Person: I get so
nervous when I have to go to the doctor.
Response: The last time I went to your doctor he was uncaring
and impersonal. It makes it hard to feel comfortable as his patient.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Self–disclosure
Person: Please
help me figure out how to get help for my son.
Response: Call the County Information Hotline for the numbers
of the clinic closest to you.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Information giving
Person: Please
help me figure out how to get help for my son
Response: I can see that you are really confused about this.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
Person: (Silence
– tears)
Response: You are upset about your son's developmental problems
because of guilt over the way you have treated retarded kids in the past.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Analytical
Person: You have to help me with this. I am so lost and frustrated.
Response: I know just how you feel.
Type of Response:
Answer to frame: Supportive, reassuring
Person: Why does this have to happen to me?
Response: The situation seems so unfair.
Type of response:
Answer to frame: Understanding
"Responding" role–play activity
You and a friend can practice
effective responding using the 10 role -play topics in this activity
Step 1:
One person takes a turn as
the speaker with the concern, the other is the responder. For 5 minutes the speaker shares concerns about 1 of the 10 role - play situations. The responder uses effective responding skills with the speaker to evoke helpful
resolutions to the concern.
Step 2:
After the 5 minute role play
is completed, the speaker spends 2 minutes giving feedback on the effectiveness on the responses.
Step 3:
After the first role - play
and feedback session, switch roles until you've each role - played speaker and responder for all 10 topics. Use the material
on responding as a tool to make improvements in your responses and feedback.
10 "responding" role - play topics
You're concerned:
- About your inability to control your drinking (or drugs or gambling or eating or spending or sex or smoking or working)
behavior.
- Because you feel you're being
unfairly judged by others.
- Because you don't sense a full commitment of your spouse to your marriage and to caring for your children.
- Because you feel like you're
in a dead - end career.
- Because you're finding it
increasingly difficult to control your temper both at home and at work.
- About the way you solve problems.
- About how much time and energy
is required to get the support you need to work on your problems.
- About your health.
- About the behavior of your children both at home and at school.
- About your sense of loneliness and abandonment after you've had a fight with someone for whom you care.
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Why Tools for Coping?
It's my belief that we counselors are often too theoretical or idealistic in our approach with our clients. We need to recognize that our clients are responsible for themselves & that all we can do is to provide a set of guidelines or emotional tools for them to keep in their own
tool boxes to take out & use when necessary.
The tools must be clearly marked,
easily explained, readily understood & easy to use. The tools must have specific, easy–to–read directions that result in clarity of purpose & focus.
The tools must
result in increased coping skills & personal functioning. The Tools for Coping Series is a set of books that functions as a tool box or reference
manual of what "normal" is for the readers.
It can be used over & over again.
The best tools we can give our clients are those that pass the test of time. It's my hope that each chapter & unit in
the Tools for Coping Series will prove to be a useful tool, improving personal, emotional & interpersonal functioning
& coping.
How
to use the books in the Tools for Coping Series
Each book in the series
is intended to be a self directed, insight producing tool of self improvement. The outline of each chapter in each book assists
the readers with self assessment as to the impact of each issue on their lives. Not every item listed will apply directly
to each reader. Just check those items which you feel are true for you. This check off process will help you recognize issues
that may be inhibiting your personal growth in self esteem.
At the close of almost all of
the sections in the books of the series is a section called "Steps to." This is a guide
to assist the readers in dealing with those relevant items. The readers will use a separate notebook or journal to respond
to the questions in the "Steps to" sections.
This journal
will be the readers' own words for self improvement. On completing the "Steps to." section
in the journal, each reader will have identified strategies to improve personal functioning & lessen the negative impact
of low self esteem.
With the Tools for Coping Series,
the readers are expected to use a journal to respond to the "Steps
to" sections.
In the journal the readers can also record their
emotional response to the material presented in the books. In this way, daily journal responding can make the use of the books
a self - healing experience, opening the readers to emotions & feelings either repressed, suppressed, ignored, non-identified,
or unknown for years.
This opening up of oneself to feelings is a
way of freeing oneself to experience personal growth & well-being. Using the Tools for Coping
Series as a catalyst to open up these emotions is a process involving the readers in studying the material, checking
off the items relevant to self, responding to the "Steps to" sections of each section &
also keeping a daily log of emotions & feelings.
This journal can either be written in a notebook
or tape recorded on tapes saved for later reference.
Daily Journal Entry Outline
Current issue
coming up for me as a result of reading the Tools for Coping Series books:
Incidents occurring recently to bring up issue
-
How did I deal with this issue?
-
What were my feelings at the time?
-
What are my feelings now?
-
How could I have handled my response to this issue better?
In the future?
-
What plans can I develop to rectify my response to this issue?
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Tips for Successful Conversations with Humans on Planet Earth - By Eugenia Tripputi
"Talk to Me, I’m
Human!" Have you ever felt like telling (or
worse - yelling!)
this or a similar phrase to your boss, a coworker, or
significant other with whom it seems impossible to have a conversation?
In a world that
prides itself for its advances in technology, we've surely gone backwards in some areas of communication,
namely forgetting to use "the basics."
I've found that
we usually have no problems IMing (instant messaging) a cousin or brother across the planet
but freeze up or utter the wrong words when we have to express ideas, confront conflict, or resolve interpersonal issues with the person working 2 cubicles down from ours.
But, don't despair; there is help! Remembering some fundamentals of conversations is a wonderful beginning & you can be the initiator of
change:
- No matter what title
or personality style, people like to be talked with… Regardless of the actions individuals exhibit, we are adults - even if sometimes
we don't behave as such. And each of us has a responsibility to make dialogue happen in a constructive way.
- Talk with - not to or
down - other people on a regular basis, even if it means saying "hello" every morning. Developing relationships, building
trust & establishing good communication is a process not a single event.
- Choose your timing wisely. Allow enough time & pick a date that's convenient for all the parties involved. We all have
things in our minds, so, get into the habit of checking with the other person to see if the timing is right.
- Select the right place.
If this is a work-related conversation, depending on the tone you want to set, an office or conference room should be chosen
for more formal occasions. Finding neutral, more relaxed environments where you can minimize territoriality issues tend to be ideal. Be mindful of privacy & comfort levels with locations. If this is a personal conversation, opt for the good, old-fashioned "going out for coffee" strategy.
But, choose a place quiet & private enough to talk.
- Have your discussions
earlier rather than waiting until the last minute when it might be too late to address an issue or too emotionally charged.
In other words, get into the habit of not letting things that bother you fester. Think about it as a wound. Unless you take care of it immediately, it'll be much harder (or messy) to treat after some
time.
- Try your best to start
your conversation with something positive, even it's "wanting to resolve the issue between you." If it comes from the heart & is true, you're increasing your likelihood of being heard & trusted. If this is a personal conversation, highlight how important the individual & the relationship are to you.
- Talk to the whole individual,
not just "the person you have an issue with" or "the worker bee." Humans bring their physical & emotional self everywhere they go. It's extremely hard to leave the emotions at home or to forget about work after hours. Honor this fact. In reality, you don't know what's going on for this person at work or in his/her private life.
- Be clear about what
you'd like to discuss with this individual either before or at the beginning of the
meeting, so you can focus on what needs to be resolved & don't go off on tangents. It's very easy to look for distractions, particularly for people who aren't comfortable talking.
- Stop the conversation if you
find yourself being distracted, need to leave, or it gets out of hand. Resuming your talk later is better than to be rushed or regret something you might
say but not mean.
- Get into the habit
of doing most of the listening & less of the talking.
- Pay attention to the
verbal & non-verbal cues that the other person has demonstrated in other occasions as well as during your conversations.
Oftentimes people will say one thing with words but the body language communicates something
different. Remember that over 90% of communication happens non-verbally.
- "When in doubt, check it out!" Assumptions are the worst conversation enemies. When you hear something that you aren't sure about,
particularly something that bothers you, ask the person what they meant or request further clarification. Don't automatically
think the worst!
- Intentionally communicate with your whole self.
If you can & know how to do it, match your body language cues to what you're saying or you
risk losing credibility.
- Find ways to show genuine interest in what the other person has to say.
- Practice "quieting your
mind." You don't have to have an answer ready at all times. And it’s ok to say, "I don’t know but I’ll
find out & will get back to you," if necessary.
- Humans prefer to communicate in different ways.
These preferences are usually at the core of each individual’s
being & oftentimes, he or she might not even be aware of them!
- "Know thyself first."
We tend to see the world thru our own set of lenses, unless we make a conscious effort to see things from someone else’s
point of view. This takes practice & comes naturally to only a few privileged people. The rest of us need to work at it!
- Unless you communicate
on the same - or at least
similar wavelength - it'll be hard to get your messages across & get to a positive outcome that'll produce lasting behavioral change. The effort can start with you!
There's enough pain &
suffering to go around nowadays. Think about it:
in the scheme of things, what we tend to
be offended or argue about on a regular basis is very trivial.
The next time you're
facing a conversation challenge,
pick 2 or 3 of these suggestions & put them into practice. You'll be amazed at the results & how some simple
things can have a huge impact - here - on planet earth.
Become a Credible Communicator:
Make Honesty Your Policy! - By Craig Harrison
When you speak, do people listen?
You don't have to be E.F. Hutton to command attention & respect in the workplace. But you do have to be credible.
Credibility in the workplace means believability. Simply put, do people believe what you say?
Is your reputation based on a track record of telling the truth? Are your estimates accurate, your forecasts realistic &
your word solid? Or are you a big talker, a storyteller or a spin doctor? Strive to be a credible communicator.
The Right Way to Speak & Write
From the moment you submit
a résumé & then interview for a job, the credibility counter is activated. Are your CV's assertions accurate, your chronology
factual & your affiliations, degrees & awards correct?
Whether spoken or written, our communication must withstand the
test for truthfulness.
Whether or not you're "found out" during the interview process,
you can lose your job & damage your career immeasurably when you lie, misstate or misrepresent your accomplishments.
Pulitzer prize winning authors have been undone, as have supposed
war heroes & many a politician, by aggrandizing or completely falsifying one's past accomplishments.
You're also susceptible to blackmail when you lie & are then
threatened with exposure. As we've just seen, there is no "luck of the Irish" involved when you lie about your credentials,
even as the head football coach for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
For entrepreneurs
this is especially true. You ARE your business. You must be beyond reproach. Even a hint of impropriety can be fatal. Your
goal is to ooze integrity thru your words & deeds.
Your Word Is Your Bond
People listen to what you say & how you say it. In every job situation you have the opportunity
to become known as a person of his or her word.
Conversely, you can become known for shading the truth, for telling
people what they want to hear, or parsing words as a defendant might do under cross examination in a court of law.
We've all heard of the boy who cried wolf so many times that when a wolf finally appeared, people
had long since stopped listening. This boy's credibility had long since turned non-existent.
The same is true in the workplace. Whether you cry racism, sexism,
ageism or favoritism it's important that there be credence to your claims. You do everyone a disservice if you falsely accuse
or ascribe such motives to actions that otherwise occur
Words Are Sticks & Stones
Beyond misrepresenting your own accomplishments or capabilities, be cautious of assertions made
about others. Character assassination can be fatal to careers & not just the person you're blaspheming.
Whether or not you're a manager your words carry a weight to them
that affects others. Gossiping about others or spreading falsehoods or even half-truths can flag you as dangerous, untrustworthy
& ultimately unpromotable.
One of the keys to success in the workplace is engendering
trust from your co-workers. If you're gossiping or betraying confidences you destroy your own credibility - as an honorable co-worker, a safe confidante & ally.
Take
the High Road
Workplaces provide ample opportunities for you to earn credibility.
Every time you make a deadline, do what you say you'll do or are there in a time of need for others, the department of the company at large, your credibility rises.
Times
when you defend the honor of co-workers who aren't present, refuse to engage in gossip, or caution others to give co-workers the benefit
of the doubt, you're showing wisdom & professionalism, which raises your credibility in the workplace.
Similarly,
when you "say the right thing" or "do the right thing" in ethical situations your credibility is enhanced.
Tell It Like It Is
Often employees
fall down when it comes to admitting mistakes. The credible communicator can admit errors
or mistakes in a forthright & direct manner.
Everyone makes mistakes, yet the
credible communicator can address them & go about rectifying them, restoring confidence in him or herself. Those lacking in credibility might try to cover up, ignore or minimize their folly, often compounding the error of their ways.
Ultimately, it's less important
that you made a mistake, than that you fixed it & can assure others it won't happen again.
Know
When to Say No
The credible communicator
doesn't just tell people what they want to hear. Life would be easy of we could say "yes" to every request we received. Yet
realistically, agreeing to something you ultimately can't deliver on is detrimental to your reputation. Develop the fortitude to say "no"
when it's the right answer, even thru it may not be the popular one.
Over the long term, you'll be
respected for the accuracy of your assessments, decisions & determinations, even if the news isn't music to the ears of all who
listen. Sometimes the truth isn't popular or pretty, but a person who is a "straight shooter" is respected by all.
Earning
Your Stripes
Strive to boost your credibility rating at work & in your
professional relationships. You'll know you're succeeding when you hear others tell you they know they can count on you, have
confidence in your projections & feel secure in their knowledge you're on the team. Don't be in-credible…strive to be incredible!
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